How to be Less Reactive

Hunting the Ego – Gently

The ego isn’t bad - it’s just the part of us that wants to be seen, appreciated, safe or in control. It’s the part of us that feels scared, alone and separate from the world. It shows up in all sorts of subtle ways - a rush to defend yourself, the urge to impress, a tightening when someone doesn’t validate your opinion.

Part of the human predicament.

But magic begins when we start to notice. Not with judgment, with kindness.

Here are some gentle ways to spot the ego when it sneaks in:

1. Wanting to Be Right
Notice that tight feeling inside when someone disagrees. Do you feel threatened? Do you feel an urge to explain yourself or win over them? Try pausing. Let them express their view without needing to correct or fix it.

2. Needing to Be Seen a Certain Way
Maybe you're being extra helpful, insightful, or kind - perhaps more for approval than from your core. The ego likes us to have a polished image. Can you let yourself notice that, and just be?

3. Feeling Left Out or Unseen
If you suddenly feel ignored or invisible in a group or online, notice what happens. Do you withdraw? Feel huffy? Perform to get attention? The ego wants to reassert its place. Instead, just try staying with the feeling. It passes quickly.

4. Getting Defensive
Someone gives you feedback or just a look and boom, “That’s not fair!” “They don’t get me!” Totally normal. But try staying open a moment longer to that inner response. What if there’s something helpful for you to notice in there?

5. Mental Storytelling
Are you replaying something in your head? Having imaginary conversations over and over in your mind? Maybe defending yourself to an imaginary audience? Or rehearsing what you ‘should’ have said. That’s ego trying to regain control. You don’t need to push it away. Just notice. Be with it. Breathe.

6. Trying to Fix or Impress
Are you helping… but maybe kind of wanting to be the wise one, the one they need? That’s ego in disguise. Real care doesn’t need recognition. It just flows. Again just notice the urge softly.

7. Making Meaning of Everything
The ego loves to over-interpret: “What did that text really mean?” “Did I say too much?” But not everything needs a story. Some things can just… be. Try just dropping that analysis, nothing bad happens!

The point isn’t to get rid of ego. It’s to see it. With love. With breath. With curiosity.

When you just notice, something quiet and powerful begins to shift.

The moment you notice, you’re no longer inside the ego pattern - you’re aware of it. That means if you are aware of it, it isn’t you. That awareness is spacious. It doesn’t need to fix, suppress, or indulge the pattern.

When you see it, the grip loosens.

The ego feeds on unconsciousness - on being believed, acted out, or resisted. When you bring kind, curious attention to it, it starts to dissolve on its own.

You might notice:

A softening in your body

A breath that goes deeper into the lungs

Fewer ruminating thoughts

A bit more choice in how you respond

The pattern losing its urgency

Even the flicker of a smile, like “Ah, there you are again, hello there”.

This is the beginning of real freedom - not from having no ego, but from being ruled by it.

Noticing isn’t passive. It’s alive. It’s real agency and the turning point from reactivity to presence.